non-fiction / personal / writing

Letting go of control

My professor told me my poem was too neat. She told me she wanted to take it and shake it loose.

“Do you have control issues?” she asked.
“Most definitely.” I’m nothing if not self-aware.

My entire life has been about gaining and losing control. It’s why I get so much pleasure out of re-alphabetizing my bookshelf (see above). It’s why I’ve lost friends and partners over differing opinions and life choices. It’s why I lay in bed at night spinning at the thought of all the things I didn’t do.

What would it look like? Letting go of control?

  1. Not glaring and feeling my pulse quicken when my boyfriend has (yet again) forgotten to put the toilet seat down.
  2. Feeling content to have a lazy, unplanned day without a single item on my agenda.
  3. Napping without guilt.
  4. Not allowing my expectations of a situation to outweigh living in the moment.
  5. Not talking myself out of following a passion because of my fear of the unknown.
  6. Valuing others’ opinions  and not seeing their varied outlook on life as a put-down.
  7. Embracing the spiritual without skepticism.
  8. Laughing loudly and without shame.
  9. Speaking up without fear of looking or being perceived as silly.
  10. Ending the list with nine things instead of ten.

 

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